The lie I believed
What do I most fear? I fear being rejected, not being loved... Lord help me not be scared of rejection, not to be afraid or feel like I'm not good enough because I am a girl. I don't know where I fit here, I am not a man; therefore, I can't be a leader. Lord don't let me become bitter, I love you. Amen.
Have you ever believed a lie in your very core? Ever thought that you dare not dream because the lie told you that there was a wall there. Ever found yourself trapped in a lie and felt yourself dying but couldn't figure out why? That was me in 2012, stuck in a lie that was told to me. The lie was used to chain me, and I would like to share with you the lie that I believed. "I am a woman, so therefore I can't be a leader." It actually it was much deeper than 'not being a leader' it was visceral hate for being female. Imagine being told all your life that you were less than a man, you were ostracized because your mom was a female who wanted to be a pastor. I struggled to fit into a mold that was never meant for me. I then went on the defense after the age of thirteen, I played dumb most days, never sharing my thoughts, what I saw or what I thought. I tried to look pretty, to wear a mask and smile at the right times. I decided to do everything on my Christian Checklist, serve in a church, be a good wife, stick to safe roles that no one would see me. I felt like I had to apologize for being born a female.
I was afraid of who I was, I was fearful that if I let myself be who I really am, I would lose all Christian community. When people would tell me "Cassie you are too much, you need to be softer." I would beat myself up again reinforcing the lie. I took poison for so long that I couldn't see God's truth in my life. The lie was told to me over and over again in different ways. Today I can tell you that I am a wife, a mom of two beautiful, strong, smart, daughters and an amazing stepson. I am a nurse and a preacher, and I am in grad school for Leadership and Evangelism in the Propel Cohort. My whole world changed with understanding one word in the bible: Hayil.
In 2015 I spoke with a friend from Tulsa, and I told her exactly my thoughts about women leading, and she asked me if I read Proverbs 31. "Yes, I have read it." She sighed "Do you understand what it means?" I responded with the normal response, and she said:
"No the word used to describe her is a Hebrew word which means valor, it is used in the bible to describe warriors." I honestly didn't believe her, and I looked it up myself entirely shocked by what it meant to be a Proverbs 31 woman: ḥayil denotes, in different contexts, strength, wealth, ability (cf. ‘mighty man of valor’). I felt myself begin to strengthen at the thought that an excellent wife was translated as strength, wealth, ability or man of valor. She was a warrior, and it gave me permission to step into being a woman of Valor. Strength was encouraged in this environment, knowledge and wisdom were praised, and being capable was required. I think for too long we have created a co-dependent women's ministry and slapped the title of a Proverbs 31 woman on it.
When we believe a lie for so long, we filter everything through the lie, and we try our hardest to live in a place we were never meant to live. As a woman, I think we believe many lies, some of us think we are better than men, and we believe the lie of feminism, some of us think we are below men, and we believe the lie of misogyny. Neither one of these will build firm foundations in our relationships between the genders. A woman of valor is strong but soft, she is capable but humble, she is fierce yet fun, she is a real person, not a compartmentalized one. Through this journey, I have found more and more truth that God is not sexist and that Christianity isn't supposed to be either. The real problem wasn't that I didn't feel valued, it was that I thought I had to be validated by people to be called by God. It has taken seven years to work through this issue, and I will speak on that later.I think as a generation it is time we stop buying the lies around us. We need men and women, sons and daughters, we need people who are willing to live in the community and not trying to lord over one another. We need a generation of leaders who not only preach honor for both genders from the platform but who also model it in the relationships they have. The world needs the church to be who she is, and she is a church of valor. We need our sons and daughters at full capacity and ready to be all into where God is calling them. What lies are you believing, what do you need to let go of?
Do you want to grow into your purpose as a woman of valor? Join us for our one-day event in Canton, Ohio.
https://www.eventbrite.com/e/great-lakes-gathering-tickets-54202689704
Resources:
Kidner, D. (1964). Proverbs: An Introduction and Commentary (Vol. 17, p. 179). Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press.
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